… is you! Self-destructive behavior is a common problem!
Let’s talk about self-destructive behavior!!
Starting with a short definition: Self-destructive behavior is when you repeatedly do things that will harm you physically, mentally, or both. It can range from mild to life-threatening. Remember, I am talking about the mild forms of such behavior in the following. Though they are damaging, they are not life-threatening, for the stronger form I strongly advise seeking the professional help of a doctor or a therapist!
Do you have a problem with self-destructive behavior? You may even not recognize it, it works silently and holds you back, lets you down, and leaves you with feelings of guilt and shame.
Self-destructive behavior may be used as a coping mechanism when one is overwhelmed. For example, faced with a pressing scholastic assessment, someone may choose to sabotage their work rather than cope with the stress. This would make submission of (or passing) the assessment impossible, but remove the worry associated with it.[6]
Self-destructive behavior may also manifest itself in an active attempt to drive away other people. For example, they may fear that they will “mess up” a relationship. Rather than deal with this fear, socially self-destructive individuals engage in annoying or alienating behavior, so that others will reject them first.[7]
More obvious forms of self-destruction are eating disorders, alcohol abuse, drug addictions, sex addiction, self-injury, and suicide attempts.[8]
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-destructive_behavior
I suffer from this kind of behavior still today, and I had some very self-destructive behaviors for a long period of my life. These behaviors have cost me relationships and got me broke several times so I had to start from zero over again. All my skills, capabilities, talents were useless because the mechanisms were stronger. Not to mention the emotional pain, the despair, the sadness, and the feeling of being lost and not deserving any better – But…luckily, I’ve overcome it by seeking professional help years ago… Now, I am just encountering the smaller forms of it every now and then.
I felt the need to talk about it, as there are those mild forms that also can stop us from being successful in our life and business. And I wanted to address that because you might be in a situation where you don’t even recognize those mechanisms as what they are and therefore feel guilty or ashamed that some things come much harder to you.
Here is a part of my story, related to this, to let you know I was there, too:
I’ve grown up being abandoned and re-accepted by my birth mother and birth father many times, starting from the day of my birth. Through these times I was constantly put into different hands and care. At some, I had to endure different types of abuse, at some, I was just not being cared for, and some were fine. There was no consistency, and I had no place that felt safe to me. This was going on from my birthday until I was 7, then my aunt adopted me and took good care of me until I was grown up. My birth mom left my life and I never saw her again. She died when I was 25. My dad got mentally ill and has been treated in social care until he died 3 years ago. I have forgiven both of them because they couldn’t do better. They had their own wounds and sad stories…
I think you can say, that I’ve been traumatized (still don’t like to see me like that) through my early years and one result of this has been extremely self-destructive behavior from adolescence to my late 30ies, with drug/alcohol abuse and harmful relationships. Self-destructive behavior that led to losing control in life, losing relationships, losing really everything I had built up – over and over again – I hurt myself so much, also in relationships, I can’t tell you about it right now.
A problem though being able to recover from the bad outcomes of my behavior, I didn’t understand what actually was happening. I thought it was all my fault and I was stupid to behave/act like I did, and deserved all the bad things happening to me.
But once you recognize it for what it is, that you are traumatized and therefore acting like you do, by being self-destructive, you can replace self-destructive behavior with something that serves your own best interest better. Awareness is a way out. But that takes time, and, to my belief, help from above, as well as therapy – there are also mechanisms and techniques you can learn and develop, that will help you, to stop self-destructive behavior and do better for yourself.
If you are in a stage where you seriously damage your own health and/or are in danger of being seriously hurt by other people or by yourself, I strongly recommend talking to a doctor or a mental health specialist!!! Please, take care of yourself, you now are able to do it! You aren’t the helpless child even though you might feel like it… Take the necessary action to save yourself, I promise, it is and you are worth it!
If you are in a stage where you “only” damage your own success, your happiness, your well-being, there are methods that you can learn to overcome and stop those behaviors when they start to pop up. Believing in God was the most important part for me, though he had a hard time saving me over and over again… but some practices / working on yourself physically (any kind of sport, movement in nature) and mentally (meditation, praying, journaling) as well as supporting people around you will help you.
We have the ability to feel what is right for us! We just have to take the time to listen closely! Please ask for help if you feel you need it! Don’t be ashamed of your behavior, it is not your fault. You can do something about it. You deserve a better life!
I have been given the gift of also having something inside me, that always kept fighting, never gave up, never believed all these bad thoughts and feelings. I have been saved from situations that easily could have killed me – and if you are here, you also have learned to be resilient and you still have the chance to grow into “the you”, you are supposed to be!
Maybe I have survived to be able to share this? Maybe I have survived because all those bad experiences helped me to develop skills I will need to do whatever I am supposed to do…
Now I am here, talking to you, feeling strong most of the time, not falling back into those old patterns, and if so, I am able to get out of it and stop me from going down that path again. I am able to do this because of what I’ve learned in therapy, from meditation, from education, and constant work on myself.
But it is a deep matter… while working on this text I got so mentally exhausted that I had to stop and sleep for hours, spend time in nature and with my family. Because it still hurts sometimes, and by that I mean the things I’ve done to myself or letting happen to me…
Examples of a “mild” self-destructive behavior, for example if you build a business like me, could be not showing up for a very important appointment, procrastinating important, necessary actions that much, that deadlines are not kept, conversations with potential customers not being held, etc. It could also be distracting yourself with activities that are not leading to the most important thing in your business: sales… It could be anything for which there is no real reason to do it that way and it is obvious that the behavior will harm your success
Many people will not understand it. They will say, and I’ve experienced this many times: So, why don’t you just stop it, if you know it is bad for you???
If it would be that easy… it is a kind of behavior you’ve trained yourself in. There is no logic in it. And you – if you are lost in your trauma – can’t stop it! And the feeling of being a loser and not being able to take good care of yourself or your business in our case might spiral down into even more self-destructive behavior, because there is also something constantly telling you, you don’t deserve better… in the end, it might also lead to quitting your dreams. For the deeper and harder forms, it might be necessary to look for professional help. You know, what I am talking about when you are in it…
But what can we do about the milder forms, if we still encounter them while growing our business? I would define three main things, that help me with avoiding this kind of behavior, and they might also help you:
- Awareness: Train yourself in awareness, by journaling, meditation, any practice that helps you connect your brain, mind and heart and soul. Also raise the awareness for your path, your goals, where you want to be and having this laid out in front of you, so you can put your focus on where you want to be, instead of what you don’t want.
- Accountability: Surround yourself with people who will help you to take the necessary actions, remember you of your value, appreciate you and help also with motivation, support and understanding.
- Planning: having a clear “daily method of operation”, a DMO, you can stick to will also help to focus to if your mind and feelings trying to trick you into self-destructive behavior. Develop it or look for help in developing it. Make it reasonable and doable for you and your circumstances.
If you train your awareness, set your focus and your goals right, have a strong community around you, and do the necessary steps every day, nothing will stop you from going where you want to go! And that kind of behavior will not stop you anymore from being where you want to be!
So, we need to stop hurting ourselves. I know, there are many, many people out there having similar experiences and similar mechanisms, still fighting – still fighting for their right to live a better life!
Reach out, find your belief, find your people, accept help!
You deserve it! You are worthy! You are loved!
With love, your Michaela!