Today is one of these days when I got from feeling bright and happy in the morning after doing my morning routine with all that journaling, goal-setting, having a healthy breakfast, etc – but a few hours in the day I “suddenly” feel absolute worse.

The first is to find out, where this comes from – no, first is to recognize it. I am feeling bad. I am feeling depressed and down – but why? Nothing special happened… Only small things: one was the communication with my husband was kind of difficult. I had a feeling that I am not acting/talking like me, more that I am acting/talking like I am supposed to do. Not, that he would expect that, more like this has become the standard-go-to over the years, born from many conversations, arguments, and also from assumptions and beliefs. We often have talked about us, our relationship, kind of feeling like too often. And now we are just adjusting to each other, but maybe not in the best way? I don’t know – but these were some of my thoughts… But I was fine with those thoughts, something to work on together with my hubby, so what was next?

After that I found a Jacket hanging in the closet, put it on, and found that my belly was so fat (sorry, I have to name it because THAT is what I felt: FAT!!!) – the Jacket, which I bought in a bigger size was not a good fit because it was wide everywhere, but small at my belly and therefore doesn’t fit optimally and felt uncomfortable. That was really depressing. I am fighting (still and again and again) to take care of myself in a good way, do exercises (don’t want to call it “workouts”), move my body, eat healthier, drink enough water. But maybe because of hormones or because I am still doing the wrong things the scale will move down but not my belly. He is much much bigger ever since I gave birth, never got back to his state or near the state, it was before having my beloved son.

So, while thinking about all this and at the same time fighting for good and supportive thoughts about myself, because I don’t want to go the self-hate-route (“i love myself”, “I love my body”, “I am enough”, “I am beautiful the way I am” etc.), and doing this kind of mechanically but not feeling it, I had to realize that the truth is that I am just feeling really BAD at this very moment, despite all the things I’ve learned and know. And in this very moment, all those affirmations don’t help me to feel better or believe, what I am saying. Well, that’s fine, I guess, that’s one reason to use them, to eventually believe them, not necessarily believe them right away…

Additionally, I had to really realize, how bad I feel in my body, despite the fact it is healthy and carries me on every single day. Which is kind of unfair, isn’t it?

And I am questioning this feeling because I am not sure if it is from inside myself or it is just forced into me because we all are supposed to look young, small, defined, and thin… so we have to go for it, but what if we can’t reach this picture? Then there is only this disappointment, feeling bad in our own skin because our body doesn’t seem to want to fit in this perfect, optimal form. Whatever the reason may be. And soon you start to question your diet, your plan, you think to yourself I have to work harder, much harder. It is my fault, I’m not trying enough. Which – at least in my case – leads to not being able to enjoy eating, moving, doing exercises, in general working on my health, AT ALL.

And what now? That is where I am at right now. Acceptance without giving up on my health journey. It just doesn’t feel right, not to ENJOY movement and a healthy lifestyle. I remember having that in a very natural and overall not forced way before my adolescence. And I want that back!

Not having to think about my weight, my nutrition, my water intake, my movement all the time, just doing it all naturally and by that having a good relationship with my body and feeling fine the way I am, because everything works out just fine. Do you think that is possible nowadays? Or are you like me: have all these pictures in the mind of women at your age all looking perfect in the same way? In magazines, on Social Media, looking at you from the poster in the supermarket? I am not saying they aren’t okay, but is there only one way to look? Obviously not, and when I look at people around me, most other women don’t look like that or if they do, they don’t recognize it and still are feeling imperfect, too thick, and not at all beautiful. This is so sad!

Yeah, of course, I know how marketing works. You want to show people something they want. You make a picture of something seemingly perfect and you want your customers to want that too – and then you sell your washing powder with it, with the picture of a happy, designer-clothes-dressed and supermodel figure woman… Man, I don’t have a solution for that, I get it, but how you and I can handle it? In our here and now? I am convinced we are not here to worry about our looks, our figure, an ideal body picture that most of us never can match. But it works inside our unconsciousness and I would say it doesn’t work in our best interest … our best interest is to accept and love ourselves, because we are here, we are born to love life – and if our basic needs are covered to enjoy the beauty of this world, of nature, of other people around us, of our loved ones. And to give & share. Because what we give, we receive as well. That is at least my truth. We receive what we give, and we receive it double. So that should be our main focus, not worrying about our looks… it just takes too much of our precious time away, and obviously, it takes too much of our happiness away, unnecessarily! And that was happening to me today, instead of taking bold actions, being creative and active I sat here for a while and felt down – until I decided to write about it.

I want to leave it here. While writing this my perspective shifted and I now feel much better about myself again. My belly is my belly, I accept it, for now, will stick to my plan and eat better, drink more water, and exercise regularly, but besides that, I will focus on what I could GIVE and what will bring more happiness in my life and the life of others! And don’t wear this f**** jacket, it is badly designed!

I KNOW that I am not alone with one of these days… Reading this hopefully reminds you that there is more in life for all of us – happiness, love, joy – and all of this is NOT depending on how we look! And that one way to get out of a bad mood is (besides accepting it) is to act on something different, do something you love.

Wish you all the best, much self-love, and a wonderful day!

Yours, Michaela